Not to worry, Mormon Cricket. Your secret is safe with me. And those of us who live in Alaska take polar coordinates very seriously. I mean, I would IF I lived in Alaska. Like that tycoon Matt Rowley, whom I've never met, by the way. But I hear he's a swell guy. And my theta has never been called small. Ever.

Hey FooTy! How come you get fatter in each new P&F?

O, Mormon Cricket! It's those darn Thurberite artists! They are incapable of reproducing my slim and trim, washer-board tummy correctly!!

Dear FooT, My professor said he'd give me extra credit if I'd answer some questions about stuff on this stupid website. Can you just post the answers on the FAQ or do I actually have to search for stuff?

How lucky you are to have a Professor who knows the wisdom of stupidity! Although I, FooT, love to help out fans, coerced and otherwise, unfortunately I will be unable to help you with your search for Pafly trivia. I'm studying for my sakridagamin exam as well as working on my book: The Zen of Stupidity: FooT -Steps to Enlightenment. So I leave you to your search for stupidity, Mormon Cricket. Remember, the goal is not the goal; the goal is the steps to the goal. Or something like that. Ooooom.

Of course, deep questions about the essence of Pafly may still be directed to me at foot@pafly.com. Ooooom.

Dear Mr. FooT, Are you responsible for all of the Buddha FeeT around the world? Have you ever climbed Sri Pada and seen the FooTprint there?

No, and I would have torn my costume making that step into Siam.

Hey, FooT-Guy, Are you the official spokesman for Foot Flush?

O, Mormon Cricket, I do not get involved with such material concerns. But I wonder if I could sue? Looks like it would make a great hat. That's it! The FooT Flush hat! Flush while standing on your head in the head!

Dear FooT, I recognize in Pinocchio the conflation of the uber-hero from the ur-myth with the 1960's anti-hero, and the proboscis mask is clearly phallic in intent, especially as it changes dimensions from frame to frame. Pinocchio's alter ego, Richard Olson is clearly everyman, and the Oedipal references to his mother and the make-up kit are far too obvious to miss. Also, I recognize you, FooT, with your rotund form as being the feminine yin to Pinocchio's masculine yang, as well as symbolic of the Happy Budda. The things that confuse me are: 1) The Ferret suit and the Drum Major outfit. Do they represent decadent modern art or simply the opulence of criminal behavior?

Just who you callin' yin, Buckwheat?

O, grasshopper, the ways of the Ferret are mysterious, indeed. The classy dame appeared in a French beret as well as the dress of a drum majorette. Clearly she is the omni-doll, the Jungian proto-concept of the object of Ferret's feral philo/misogyny.

2) Why does Evan have fangs?

O, grasshopper, bad boys never brush their teeth. And that's how artists of the Thurber school separate the bad guys from the good.

Remember, kids, always brush your teeth.

3) The whole Reeny Irreverent and zucchini thing? Is there a connection with Pinocchio's nose?

O, mormon cricket, no self-respecting Pinocchio would ever put his nose near Reeny's zucchini.

Dear FooT: Why do your O's say Hey Hi? And who voiced the O's in P&F #6 Audio Adventure?

NObOdy knOws

where the silly O's grOws,

or hOw cOme the Oey O's

say the heys, the hies and the hOs,

NO, nOt even the Big NOse.

Seriously, those guys started growing in the P&F comics (P&F #6, to be exact) like a fungus, and we still can't get rid of them. Herbicides and ritual exorcisms have no effect. As to your second question, there is a two-word answer which unfortunately reveals an ugly side of early corporate practices at P&F studios, practises I am assured no longer continue: castrati munchkins.

Dear FooT: I discovered while reading the Webcomic list http://www.thewebcomiclist.com that the information had been submitted by fredbug. While I know that you aren't personally responsible for all of your fans, fredbug listed www.pafly.com as his (her?) home page. Can you give me more information on his elusive character? I know that the main character in Ayn Random's massive tome Atlas Popped, was a character named Fred Bug who convinced the world's capitalists to go home and make popcorn rather than support the welfare state, but I don't know what he could have to do with you and Pinocchio.

Ha, ha, ha! What a hilarious, if somewhat nauseating, story! Fred Bug is no fan. Heavens, no! Fred is Vice President of P&F Studios Corporate Spin and Disaster Managment Division. Fred's job includes promoting our website, pafly.com, and dealing with certain minor problems at pafly.com which we at pafly.com may or may not encounter, here at pafly.com. According to old Fred, and what a kidder he is, here at pafly.com, his mother read the book, Atlas Popped, and named her son, Fred Bug after the character, that is, the one named Fred Bug after she broke a molar on an unpopped popcorn kernel. Fred was 32 at the time. Good old Fred likes to joke that he's had to break a couple of molars since then, especially over those castrati munchkins. Ha, ha, ha! What a kidder!

Dear Foot: What does PAFLY stand for?

Ah. This is a difficult question. Many rumors and much speculation revolve around its true meaning.

Some suggest that PAFLY is onomatopoeic for the sound that a flatulant male wild boar makes simultaneiously through its nose and other orifices as it woos its mate.

Others contend that it is a secret codeword used by the Knights Templar (to which group Pinocchio is said to belong) as a secret greeting for other Knights.

The more prosaic insist that it is a crude acronym for the phrase "Pinocchio And Foot Love You." This theory, which seems weakest to true P&F afficionadoes, is perhaps a corruption of the second. Thus some whisper that it is a secret greeting for a sub-cell of the Knights led by Pinocchio himself designed to rid the world of evil plastic surgeons who specialize in proboscis reduction. But the wise do not proclaim this theory too loudly for fear that it might be true.

Ahem. Since you don't know the secret handshake, I'll have to deny all rumors. You'll have to choose the theory that seems best to you.

Pafly, FooT.

Hey FooT: Who is Sid Sluggo?

Sid Sluggo? Why would anyone be interested in that loser? The last he was heard of he disappeared after a drunken binge in Las Vegas. Rumor has it that he became an alcoholic after being unable to distinguish himself psychologically from his varied roles as a voice actor.

Sid was kind of slimy. He used to get drunk and beat up the narrators. Sid never liked to have his photo taken. A Zen Master who was Pinocchio's guru during his psychedelic phase used to say of Sid that he was never seen, only heard.

Footy! Why are you drawn so poorly?

Shhhhhh! Keep your voice down! You don't want to wake up the artists do you?

They are all official members of the Thurber school of cartooning. They have diplomas and everything. Nobody would fake something like that, would they?